The Rebel Without A Clue

Inspired by the book: Into the Great Wide Open by Kevin Canty. (Done for an assignment in narrative form discussing the meaning.)

He sat in the pale yellow light of his small home office filled with scarce fragments of past memories. The soft impact of the raindrops upon the fogged window set his mind into a whirl wind of his youth. A match was retrieved from the warped desk drawer, illuminating his weathered face as he lit a cigarette. The smoke escaped his parched lips slowly as he stared into the dark, trying to recall the day he had met her.

Tiny remnants appeared in his mind the obscure cut of her hair, her neck, he had not had one chance to look at her face. He snubbed out his cigarette and sat up in his chair its joints creaking at each movement. Upon the computer screen before him a small line blinked diligently waiting for his input. He began feverishly recalling the memory of her, his first love. It had been a memory he intended to lock away forever, one of his past mistakes, but still the scent of her lingered within him.

He now had a page or two filled, pausing every now and then to gaze out into the gray sky for inspiration. His memories always seemed to have the same gloom over them, a cloudy day, a storm, the relentless rain and cold. He was quite bitter in his youth, he had no clue of the world that surrounded him. That one day all
he could think of was her, and her slender neck, the way that she taunted him without even trying.

He remembered following her down to the lake, watching her wade within water, not caring of what he or anyone else might think. His mind snapped back to reality he gazed at the clock that had been silenced by his thoughts. He stressed the chairs joints once more leaning back overlooking his work. He closed his eyes locking out the memories that threatened to bring pain back to his heart, he could hear his wife in the kitchen clattering pans preparing their dinner.

This new project of his was going to take longer than he figured and the journey would be nearly as painful as it was back then. He pressed command save on his keyboard before pressing the monitor button to turn the screen off. He pulled his robe about himself tightly as he walked down the dim hallway nearing the smell of food.

His wife was at the stove, her back to him, fixing a meal of unknown nature, she hummed a little while she cooked, a habit of hers that he learned to tolerate. She turned to the sound of his chair against the tiled floor.

“You’re done writing for the day?” she questioned, turning her back once again not waiting for him to answer. He never understood why she must always ask him that.

“I needed a break.” He said calmly, picking up a newspaper from the table, it was from last week but he didn’t care. He retrieved another cigarette from his pocket placing it in his mouth.

“What is your new novel about?” she turned the stove’s heat off and wrung her hands with the yellow checkered dishtowel. Gazing at him awaiting an answer this time around. He refused to look at her, instead he stared at the paper before him, not actually reading the words but looking more at the shape of the text blocks.

“Nothing of any importance.” he said bitterly his voice muffled by the cigarette. She sighed and turned to the sink washing dishes and then stopped suddenly.

“You are mad at me.” She said coldly, pressing her palms against the cool surface of the damp sink. Her eyes were fixed out the window at the dark looming clouds that seemed to go on for eternity.

He kept his gaze upon her back, his eyes lured up to her neck which was covered by a long mop of blonde hair, nothing in comparison to Junie. He had almost swore Susan was his past love standing there stubborn, afraid he was angry at her, a moment him and Junie had experienced more than once.

“Why can’t I be interested in what you do for all those hours locked up in your office?” Susan slammed the dish towel onto the counter and turned to him angrily, she was not as submissive as Junie had always been, giving in each time to his needs.

I don’t interrogate you about all the work you don’t do everyday. He decided not to lash out at her but gazed at her momentarily before walking towards the porch.

“What is so secretive about this book that you can’t tell me, do you forget I’m your wife?” Her face had looked wretched with age and stress, he couldn’t recall the time she was once a beautiful young woman. He closed the screen door behind him match in hand.

He puffed his cigarette angrily, drops from the leaky canopy seeped into his grayinghair and the wrinkles upon his aged forehead. He had never told Susan about Junie, their naive ideal love that they never truly had. He watched in the distance, a young girl jumped in and out of a puddle splashing about, she suddenly fell upon her knees he could see from a distance a young boy rushing forward to care for her. The boy touched her knee gently where the cut had bled, he picked her up and carried her inside.

The image of the cut bore into his mind as he thought of the cold winter afternoon where he sat with his head upon Junie’s lap, not wanting to let her go. His fingers caressed her scar upon the back of her leg that she had created, she talked of it so lightly as if it didn’t even matter. That day had made him realize how little he did know of her and her past, only rumors of her possible sexual taste. Her appearance was no clue to her emotional distress.

The porch light had been flicked on to signal Susan had gone to bed, he flicked his cigarette to the ground and smeared his hand across now clammy face, he still had work to do, but it would have to wait.

- – - -

He lay next in bed to his wife who was sound asleep, he stared at the stucco ceiling that looked like the night sky, the street lights reflected upon the small specks of metal. He breathed slowly trying to rest his mind for sleep, the body next to him only reminded him further of Junie.

The bed was quite the same as Junie’s had been the first night he ventured within her. The night that she finally gave in to his adolescent male needs. She had not wanted to be safe, but for it be natural, real. He remembered how she had bled and the towel she had laid expectantly. He still could remember the feeling of her clothes upon his body a mere hour before. He blinked trying to forget this memory and leaned over to lay a kiss upon Susan’s cheek.

She groaned unhappily pushing him away wishing to sleep as every night. He sat at the edge of the bed palms holding up his face in thought. Why must he be in such a loveless relationship, or was this real love, unlike what he and Junie had, a fantasy, nothing more.

He was in his office once again loomed in smoke that swirled in the dim light like water. He was slumped over typing haphazardly not wanting to stop, the memories flowed so strongly now, as if he were seeing her right before him, as if he were able to escape his life once more.

Hours passed a pages flew out him the morning came and went away, his door was locked little could be heard from Susan. He continued strongly, scrunched used cigarettes lay across the desk, ashes caking its surface. He fixed his mind on his past studies in university that took so long to achieve.

He had never finished high-school, and joined a band in hope to escape with music and drugs, now that Junie had left. It had taken his Father’s death to turn his life around, to attain writing, something he had always dreamt of. The thought of music entertained his mind, as he finished the last sentences as he
had intended. Left as a fantasy and nothing more, an instance in time, a form of refuge.

He flipped on the radio that sat upon the cement block bookshelf, it blared clearly, the clouds had now vanished within the sky. A Tom Petty song played, he listened to it quietly just as he had the night Junie left, a rebel without a clue. Into the great wide open.

The Cliche Romance Novel

Sorry guys for not updating as much as I said–I should be able to now that i’m not doing a crap load of stuff.

Today I’m struggling to write a 6 page paper. We received freedom to go outside of essay format, i really want to do something in the form of narrative but I’m struggling to find a good way to represent it, the novel itself was quite the struggle.

Into the Great Wide Open by Kevin Canty, really didn’t bring much to the table it has a very cliche story line girl meets boy, girl gets pregnant type scenario. The kicker lies in the fact of no progression throughout the novel–the hero does not change nothing in his life changes.

Now I could write about the other novel: Anil’s Ghost by Michael Ondajjte, but I disliked that book even more. The main character has this unamused look at life and is very cold in strange ways. I thought I’d play with the historical/political parts but really they aren’t prevalent.

Both are romance novels and so is the next one we’re reading Plainsong by Kent Haruf. I’m so sick of these novels I can’t even figure out my own love life right now never mind 3 other peoples!!! The last thing I really want to think about right now is love and relationships because as much as I want  one with this one person its not going to happen. Somehow I tend to get myself into these inescapable feelings for men, maybe it is because I hang around them so much.

I guess it will always be my curse of being the ‘guys buddy’. For once I wish they would see past that.

Yikes…

Okay I know I haven’t been posting and now I’m going to force myself to do it every second day seeing as I’m making less videos on my youtube channel: Muffin0891.

What is new in my land hm… not really much besides loads of work–if you want to check out my progress of my web design for ACADSA you can check out the temporary address:

http://www.natalieanddarren.com/acadsa

While you are at it check out Darren’s main domain: ‘www.natalieanddarren.com’ Him and his fiance are total sweet hearts and I believe Darren has an online portfolio!

My parents are coming in to visit this week, so I will be leaving on Tuesday and be gone until Sunday–I’ll have my laptop so I’ll be posting as well! I can’t wait to see my dog.

I’m trying to think of new ideas for my YouTube channel. The last video I posted that was a small comedy sketch received good reviews so I think I’m going to try and implement more acting into my videos. I’m trying to come up with some comical ideas for quirky characters to start vlogs for them and all the like.

Oh yeah and my current book I’m reading for class isn’t half bad: Into the Great Wide Open by Kevin Canty.

I’ll keep you posted and YAY can’t wait for CS3 this week–amaazzing.

Much love,

xxooStephanie

Too good to be true?

I had my first fallout with my room mate last night.

She has a grumpy tendency so we always joke fight or just argue but I mean its never really anything worth fretting over and we both know its nothing…. last night was different

It’s weird because the other day I actually thought we were connecting again (things had come up), so we were not really seeing each other as much. But last night we were talking about current happenings in the office.

She was our outgoing external executive and there’s still a few things she has to do. I was just talking about some ideas I had for the ACADSA website. (Which it is okay right now but it really is missing a ton of information, but its completely understandable why it wasn’t there and whatever else.)

She was mad at me for wanting to redo what was already put down, and it really hurt her to say that. My job is to build upon what was implemented before me, I’m not trying to erase what the past has done. The reason why its bothered me so bad is my room mate was the one that overly encouraged me to go for the position–so shouldn’t she have some support for me?

I had respected everything she’s done and whatever else, and have stood behind her. Now she says well I’m done with the SA so now I don’t want any part of it, so screw everything you’re doing. She also was treating the idea of us being room mates means that its only for a length of time and were not really going to be friends after she goes on mobility.  That really hurt too.

I’m not sure if she’s just angry or what, but it really cut me deep, and its probably why I felt worse today than I should have physically. It’s hard to do something for a school and hundreds of students and really try your best when someone you thought was one of your best friends doesn’t even want to support you, or care what you do.

I know I’m capable of making a good change, but times like these really make it difficult to believe in myself.

Getting To Know One Another.

I apologize graphics will follow when I am back at home.

I was very surprised to have a great weekend and the conference definitely with it’s highs and lows. If you were not familiar the conference was: ACTISEC which stands for: The Alberta College and Technical Institute Student Executive Council. There are about 13-14 schools that participate in the province four times a year.

This year it was in Edmonton, (which is quite common ground for me.) a good fraction of our members are from the Edmonton and Calgary region. Although we do reach as far south as Medicine Hat and as far north as Fort McMurray.

Adam the executive director organized all our events and meetings etc, which by the way he did a bang up job. He made sure he talked to everyone and really made you feel part of large team–I was also pleased to say all the members were extremely eager and willing to implement some good change.

We do have a lot going for us this year–last year we had an interest rate pulled down to the base minimum which was really great. This year a lot of long term plans are coming to close so we should see some promise. We did also have a meeting with the Minister of Advancing Education. I was pleased to say he was laid back and really cared about what we were asking and saying and he is going through with it or is in the process of forming negotiations.

As for my free time–I have been in Edmonton on quite a few occasions. But we did go to the Dinner Theatre which I loved and a few other things, which was great and it allowed our group to bond.

Unfortunately my fellow executive our last night out and a bit of trouble with things. It did really made me think I sat with him on the floor of the bathroom last night for 3 hours–made me wonder how I could care so much when I do barely know this person. We were not friends before and this trip was us getting to know each other more or less.

I might be dancing around this because of the fact I’m scared to have feelings for someone again. Which is weird to admit, but it is true. It is not because I’ve been hurt well it could be the part of it–so it never seems to work out. I figure if I leave it be and never think of it maybe it’ll come my way and it’ll be better because I never knew the wiser.

Then you wonder how much he truly would remember from last night–he did remember some things. He really was sweet, he was calling for me at the party and was worried about me getting home, there was a group of guys willing to help me take him back so he’d be alright. I’m mostly relieved that he didn’t get alcohol poisoning.

But things do happen, and I do understand this situation quite a bit due to other aspects in my life, but I’m glad that I know a good friendship is going to be bonded.

I hope you guys had a great weekend and hopefully it didn’t get too hectic for you.

Much love,

-Steph

Taking back a subscription?

I’ve been looking for awhile now at schools for mobility, as well as trying to convince my parents that it won’t be TOO much money. Luckily I did find Falmouth in Cornwall, and they do have a residency that pays not much more than I do already! Huzzah!

If anyone from Europe knows any great film programs that are more than 2 years that offer courses to international students let me know!

As you saw my hair is getting really long and in the way because its not tamed–I almost got a mouthfull with the wind today. So if you have a suggestion for how I should get it styled or dyed let me know!

Basically there is a boy from the Netherlands that had added me as his ‘friend’, I ended up subscribing to him because he plays guitar and happens to be really talented. All is fine and dandy–until I keep getting ‘sent video’ messages. In these messages there is nothing but the video.

I had received one today to for his latest video which I had watched. (It appeared on my control panel) so I clicked ‘remove’. I then received the same video again–at which I responded the same. I then received it a third time!

**Note he is not subscribed to me, and has not thanked me for subscribing or replied to any of my comments.

I ended up messaging him in a fairly nice way explaining that I do watch his videos and he’s talented but I don’t want him to force it upon me. Especially when he has made no effort to even acknowledge my consideration for him in the slightest. (I would not expect him to subscribe.) But if you are going to be that persistent at least be gracious.

So I figure if he continues to go along with this I’m going to unsubscribe him. Unfair?

EmmaJoan21 Musican–Originals + Covers–Guitar, Piano, Vocal

Has anyone noticed random things changing on youtube such as control panels. What strikes me odd is they have these ‘downtimes’ and then when its back up nothing has changed–but now random changes just occur daily.

I’m not too fond of the new system–comments?

I’ve never done this before–I swear!

Okay so I know so many people start a blog and never keep up with and the interest dies after awhile. I’m hoping this will be a different experience. The reason why I decided to make this was because of YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/muffin0891

I’ve recently got into vlogging, I find my videos length has been growing so in an action not to bore my users I will be talking about more things in my life on here, so if you are interested you can give it a read–rather than having to listen.

PS: The muffin on the bottom with refer to the mood I am in when I post.

I have just finished releasing my first ever opening sequence that took me a fair amount of time to sift through footage to make it. I’m pleased it is a little long but the song I picked: She Does by Locksley, has such a great beginning and I didn’t want to cut it all out.

Speaking of–if you like Indie music and would like legally free music downloads without guilt check out: http://www.freeindie.com/

Another thing I did today that brought back a lot of memories was watching: All Dogs Go To Heaven. What a great film, I loved it when I was little–I never realized how vicious it was at that time either. The dogs are gambling in a casino and Charlie just came out of jail! Then his partner tries to kill him by hitting him with a car–there’s even torture at one point!

With that aside its still a great film and I was really curious because of the voice actor that plays Itchy: Dom DeLuise. His voice is so original you can recall it from many films–it turns out he’s also in: Oliver And Company, Secret of NIMH, and American Tale. Another interesting note is the director: Don Bluth.

He easily by far is my favourite children’s movie director his list includes: Anastasia, Land Before Time, Thumbelina, The Pebble & The Penguin, Troll in Central Park, Rock-A-Doodle, American Tale, AND Secret of NIMH.

That is a nice chunk of my favourite movies and if you haven’t seen some of them I highly recommend it!

Adieu